Start Here
- Your wedding day is YOUR wedding day. Be sure to choose the right people to stand up with you on your special day - not just who your Great Aunt Trudy thinks should be there.
- Wedding attendant membership is not transactional - just because your cousin Claire had you at her wedding does not mean you have to have her in yours.
- Consider having multiple best men, maids of honor, or even matrons of honor.
- Be honest but not cruel.
- To soothe the burn of rejection, maybe offer them another role in the wedding like usher, poem or verse reader, give a speech, musician, etc.
Empathy moment from a friend of 12 years turned over for the sister: “I am disappointed because I have been assembling and practicing the Maid of Honor toast in my head for the last 8 years and I was told only two speeches would be given at the reception…”
This interaction should be done in person for the best results.
Talking Points
- <Name>, I have been dreading to tell you for fear of hurting your feelings, but I am unable to ask you to be my <Maid of Honor/ Best Man/Bridesmaid / Groomsman>.
- I know you will likely be very disappointed and possibly hurt by this and I’m so sorry for that.
- You are so important to me. I cherish our <friendship/relationship> deeply, and so please know that this decision is absolutely not a reflection of how I or <Name> feel about you.
- <Give your reason>
- Because you’re so dear to me, I’m hoping you could be <possible role for them> at the wedding.
- This was such a hard decision because you are so important to me but we really wanted an even number of bridesmaids and groomsmen and that meant I had to exclude some people that I really love and care about.
Common reasons/explanations
Someone Else to Fill the Role
- If I didn’t have a sister/cousin/older friend, you know that you would have been up there with me!
- You may not carry the title on the day, but you are my best friend OR one of my best friends.
Small Wedding
- <Name> and I are having a small wedding because we want to save up for a first house/our honeymoon/our future.
- We really wanted an even number of bridesmaids and groomsmen and that meant we couldn’t include all the people that I really love and care about.
- We want the intimacy of a small wedding.
No Maid of Honor/Best Man/Bridesmaids
- We decided to not have “levels” of wedding attendants because we love all of our friends equally.
- We found it impossible to choose our “favorite friends” so we’re finding other ways to celebrate with everyone.
She is Going to Be Pregnant and You Don’t Want Her Belly in Your Wedding Photos
Dude. Listen, you shouldn’t bring up her pregnancy. That kind of honesty could end a friendship. Her belly will be beautiful in your photos.
