“You’ve got to tell the world how to treat you. If the world tells you how you are going to be treated, you are in trouble.”— James Baldwin
Start Here
- Start by reading How to set boundaries
- Setting boundaries in close relationships, especially romantic ones, can be challenging to the conflict-adverse, but having clearly defined boundaries is one of the best ways to prevent (and soothe) disharmony.
- What does setting boundaries look like inside intimate relationships? When you share your body, heart (and in most cases your home) freely, how do you define those lines?
- Everyone has different needs and thresholds for sharing, so ultimately YOU are the main authority on what boundaries make sense for you. That also puts you in the hot seat for being the main defender of your boundaries. No one will ever be able to know or satisfy your needs like you do.
- That means that as much of this exercise should be listening as talking (if not more). Listen to your partner’s needs and demonstrate to them how you expect to be treated.
- Note: Many people make the mistake of “testing” their partner. Some even say silly things like, “if he really knows and loves me, he will…” Expectation is the root of all anger, so be sure to be clear about what you expect from your parter. Do you expect romantic nights out? Tell them. They cannot read your mind and it is unfair to ask them to.
- Here are some of the common boundaries drawn within close relationships:
- Issues around sex and affection: Everyone has different levels of comfort and it’s important to communicate your preferences and dislikes. Even communicating the pace of the relationship is important.
- Issues around division of labor: If you share a home, it’s important to be clear about how you expect the management of the home to go. Be explicit and detailed so both of you can hold each other accountable. Additionally, other “roommate” issues like who gets to eat the last piece of pie and sharing the remote should be hammered out too.
- Issues around space: Sometimes a partner will get their feelings hurt when their partner asks for space, but it is rarely personal. Everyone needs downtime - even from their loved ones. Different people need different amounts of space. Draw boundaries for what that looks like for you.
- Issues around values: While it is always preferable to find a partner who shares your values, sometimes partners differ on a value or two. Be clear about what is nonnegotiable for you and discuss how you will navigate that. For example, one partner may be extremely family-oriented and expect to see her parents every weekend, while her partner may resent having so much of his “free time” taken up visiting family.
- Issues around fighting: Learning how to fight is even more important than learning how to avoid conflict. Two human beings with independent minds will eventually come to loggerheads - it’s in our nature. That’s ok! Discuss how your partner prefers to “fight,” what “triggers” him or her, and agree on the lines that shall never be crossed. Example, she agrees to never compare him to his dad in an argument. See the “Official Guide for Fighting with Your Partner.”
Talking Points
Boundary-Drawing Statements
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Affection/Intimacy
